Sunday, November 29, 2015

Looking back...

Casey and I were watching home videos with the girls recently, and, as is often the case when you watch old videos, it was fun pointing out how much we've all changed. Things like Nubbins being a puppy, daddy having super poofy hair and how young we all were. But, of all the changes/differences, that we saw, none were more amazing to the girls than the ones they saw in me. 

No, it wasn't a weight thing. No, it wasn't a greying thing either!

What seemed to utterly shock and delight them was seeing me move in ways they had long forgotten. 

"Oh my gosh, Isabelle, Daddy's feeding himself!" "Whoa, Daddy look, you're leaning yourself forward!" And, "Mommy, Daddy used to move his arms to his controller without help!"

For them, it was incredible. They were giddy, happy and astonished - all at the same time. 

For me, the feelings were different. 

Seeing myself on that screen was surreal. In a way, it was like watching someone else; someone who looked like me, but wasn't. Like a stranger I once knew. 

We live life day-to-day. And because we take it in increments, we sometimes fail to see how much we truly change over time. It's only in looking back that we see how very different the "us" of today is compared to the us of yesterday. 

And sometimes, as was the case on this occasion, seeing those changes is hard. 

It's easy for me to want to be the guy I saw on that screen. Easy to want the strength I had, the independence I enjoyed, the mobility I took for granted. 

Wanting what we once had is natural. 

But then, I realized something I hadn't previously considered: To be that person again, I'd be giving up more than I'd be receiving. 

The person in that video hasn't struggled the way I have, he hasn't had the joy and fullfillment from leading his family in good times and bad and he hasn't grown, developed or improved the way I have. In short, despite how young, strong and vibrant I once was - in the ways that truly matter - I am infinitely stronger today than I was then. 

I do not know how different my life will be when, years from now, I watch videos taken from 2015. But, what I do know is this: Despite how physically strong (or weak) I'll be then, if I continue to strive to continuously improve, if I work on it day-by-day, I'll be a better man then than I am today. 

And that's something I look forward to seeing. 

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Reality check

When I first started blogging, I used to post every day. Then, I moved to once a week. Then I'd take a few months off and then come back and post regularly again.

And so it went.

Though the posting hasn't always been consistent, I've always tried to deliver something of value. Sometimes my posts are funny, sometimes they're sad; often times they're in between. But, always, what I write is genuine. 

Lately, I haven't posted much at all. Life has been pretty crazy since the move and somehow the blogging (probably along with a number of things) has fallen between the cracks. 

In some ways, I'm ok with it. After all, coming up with new content is challenging and sharing your deep, personal, private thoughts and life-happenings can be tough (like when I copped to liking romantic comedies, arg). 

But, other times, I feel bad about not posting more. I feel like I'm letting people down. 

My readers have been kind, loyal and generous and I appreciate greatly that you've let me know you miss the posts. In addition to letting you down, I feel like maybe I'm letting my girls down by not chronicling my/our life for them better. After all, this blog is really for them more than anyone else. It's my way of letting them know who daddy is and what I'm about.

In thinking about this back and forth of feeling ok, then bad, then ok, then bad again; I realized that this is life. Far too often, we take something that was supposed to be fun and easy and we turn it into something to feel bad about. We pick ourselves apart, convince ourselves we're letting everyone down and then sit back and wonder how we got stuck in the mire. 

It's silly. We know this, yet we all continue to do it. And though there's no silver bullet to stop doing it, I suppose acknowledging that it's happening is a healthy and helpful start. 

For me, that means blogging when I can and letting that be enough. 

What does it mean for you?

The fact is that, neither you, nor I, are letting everyone down. We may not always be all things to all people, but that doesn't make us disappointments to the world; it makes us human. 

I can live with that :)